How appropriate it is that i’m gonna talk about positivity (among other things) to bring comfort to my troubled heart and hopefully, to the readers of my almost-dormant blog.
As some of you might be aware, I am near-reaching the finale of my diploma course in Mass Communication and till then, most of the time is spent holed up at home. I have to admit, confinement period was one of my darkest phases in my life AND an unexpected hidden blessing in contrary to the grumbles and complaints I spew ceaselessly to my friends and close people.
Never did I expect myself to be exceptional at dishwashing, to find joy in doing (only) certain chores like grocery shopping, capable of running more than 5km on the thread mill for less than 40 minutes with Pilates exercise and rustling up my all-time favorite Italian recipes that are rather unpopular in my household as only Korean cuisine can be found at my dining table unless I request otherwise. In other words, I’m trying out new things and changing my lifestyle to utilize my time well, other than being swamped with university applications and adult responsibilities (ew).
But on my bad days, you’ll find me deeply submerged in my solitary pool of gloom and melancholy, loads of times to the point of missing bits of my thriving life in school. I miss the freedom of being able to just go out and join my friends for lunch after lessons without getting hounded and scrutinized by my strict Asian parents and mostly, doing productive things that counts beside university applications (which does not guarantee results anyway). Even the once dreaded part-time jobs seem very attractive to me, just to make myself useful in the world once again and earn some pocket money. Financial restrictions is the biggest crisis I’ve had to deal with as my ‘exciting’ new decade emerges. Due to certain responsibilities and obligations at home, I rarely get a chance to slip away and relax or just to chill with my friends, nor am I allowed to work part-time to rake in my own expense for the time being. Now you know the reason for my ‘confinement’ period but the occasional ‘you-are-pregnant!!’ jokes my friends make are sorta funny for a while I guess 🌚. Fair enough, my weekends are strictly dedicated to fun time and relaxation, be it with my friends, family or purely me-times, which makes this holiday totally worth the trouble.
Social media fast became my ‘best’ friend but ironically, it made me very unhappy and this is where the aphorism of ‘misery-loves-company’ fits to a T. I truly realized this to the deepest pit of my bones only after a long time of suffering unfortunately. The analogy of a leech is apt to this – it is a parasite that feeds on your self-confidence and growing doubts about many things which could endanger yourself and your relationship with people. Dealing with loneliness provoked by encountering photos/tweets/posts/blogs/etc. of my friends having good times in their new-found freedom, youngsters of my age embarking and succeeding on/in their new chapter and just witnessing people moving on with life without me could top it off as the toughest battle I fought in the two decades of my life. Soon after, the veil of jealousy, pent-up frustrations, doubts and depression came to settle in and i was just barely surviving in my own dark world. Surviving, not living.
I was basically feeding myself with negative (-) thoughts, taking away the happy vibes and letting these mental viruses kill my once-happy-go-lucky soul inch by inch. It costed me my health (emotionally and physically) and incur seemingly unrepairable sleep debts – a self-destructive lifestyle it was. When this happens, you barely find anything to be thankful for and grow to be blasé about all the blessings in your life. People used to say inexplainable joy and happiness resonates within me and they liked that part of me best but i felt sad that this cruel reality even forcibly took that away from me, as if i had any other good things left to spare. It is no coincidence that the negative sign is associated with process of elimination. If only I could choose to eliminate the bad things and negative people willingly from my life… but alas, things are not so simple.
It was not long before my sanity reached the breaking point and I decided to pit myself against these problems strategically by changing myself anew. It meant that I was to limit my social media activity which cut off my source of negativities, alter my body clock (thanks Aaron for reinforcing this rule upon me) to restore my health and determine specific goals for the next few months in order to set my life back on track again.
Once in a while, I believe everyone has to sit down, away from their fast-paced, hectic lives and reevaluate the priorities in one’s life to check one’s milestones and ensure time isn’t wasted. It takes time, a fair amount of failures and itsy-bitty but constant efforts to reorganize and establish such radical revamps in a lifestyle. I have always been a slow learner and slow to progress but determination and willpower have always been my better virtues and I know I’m getting somewhere, nearer to the finish line, slowly but surely. All it takes is just a refreshing change of perspective to muster up some courage and kickstart your plans.
✨ Chase after positivity (=/= blind ignorance) and away negativity (=/= running away from problems) ✨
Compared to the billions of talented people in this world, you may think of yourself as this insignificant minion on this earth and i face this sense of insecurity every waking minute but let me tell you, change starts from within and gradually becomes apparent around you. What you put inside will add up and multiply to a tenfold, just like positivity (+) which is absolutely and unarguably paramount in order to lead a happy and successful life, and negativity too in the form of bad thoughts which does not add up any value in your life. The little steps you take will mount up and construct into something beautiful and meaningful just like a completed lego piece. I’m already seeing the blooming fruits of my efforts in my body as a result of my rigorous exercise regimes that I kept up for months and years (not days and weeks) – a testimony of my own encouragements that I’m sharing with you now, and boy it feels goooood. I can also assure you, you may not reach the destination you initially paved for but you’ll be okay with it. Best part of this is that you can harbor new dreams to fulfill!
If only it was as simple as how i make it seem to be, huh. 😕
It’s okay to fail at things you love to do because what is success without a few hiccups here and there, right? I mean, there are countless times where I churn out sucky, simpleminded writing content, sing horribly out of pitch and neglect my exercise regime which triggers the severe bout of paranoia (e.g. people secretly mocking my singing and writing, fear of putting on weight drastically and the list goes on) but I grew to ignore the evil voices in my head and the negativity that threatens to bind me ensued by many things or in most cases, people. Believe it or not, there were times when I almost clicked the ‘delete’ button in the haste of clearing all my problems at once but I knew I couldn’t avoid this forever anyway and recovering stricter control of my social media activities would be the most prudent thing to do.
cue > Xinyi (my friend): /gasps in anxiety/ …people. 😂
Come what may, but never let it stop you! BE UNSTOPPABLE. *cues Avenger opening theme song* (is it empowering enough hahaha). Be as sexy and sassy as the black widow or the hulk , lol bad idea what was i thinking. Maybe Captain America instead, the Mr. Zero-to-Hero (though he took the shortcut to success-ish). Just go out and be somebody!!
And bless the people who complimented and helped me along this rocky journey. Bless those precious humans/animals and keep them close to you. They don’t have to be friends, pets or family. I personally get my supply of inspirations from bubz, michelle phan and especially cassey ho (blogilates). They taught me to be selfless and turn my talent into a meaningful blessing for others. It is heartening to see such people who’ve gone through as much as anyone else or more, become the bigger person and continue to give back to people out of their talents. Cassey’s long story of on her battle with self-esteem and how she achieved her dream out of that brought me so much comfort and tears, just like how she’s helping me to achieve my dream body virtually as I speak. At least I know I have many potentials to explore and this hope keeps me trudging through life! To give is indeed a blessing 💖
It may take eons to clinch that coveted idealistic life of yours but you just have to keep trying (accompanied with periodic habitual rechecks of your goals), play up to your strengths and someday, it’ll bring you to places and people that you’ve never planned or imagined to be at/with. All the sleepless nights of blood, sweat and river of tears will be made worthwhile and you shall never regret not even a drop of it.
As a wise man once told me (for real), you can spend your lifetime on a bed of 3-leaved clovers (symbolizing happiness) and still be unhappy if you continue your hunt for that single 4-leaved clover (symbolizing luck) 🍀 without stopping to appreciate the moments/people around you.
✨ Good luck ✨